The cost of living is so high now. My wife is having to have sex with me because she can’t afford the batteries.
An FBI agent is interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been robbed 3 times by the same bandit. "Did you notice anything special about the man?" asks the agent. "Yes," replies the teller. "He was better dressed each time."
Management student kisses a girl.
Girl: Whats this?
Boy: Its called DIRECT MARKETING.
(Girl slaps the boy)
Boy: What is this?
Girl: This is CUSTOMER FEED BACK.
A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China. He's out there now...trying to win a trip back!
A wife comes in and yells, “Honey! Pack your clothes! I just won the lottery!” Her husband yells back, “But what should I pack?” The wife replies, “I DON’T CARE! JUST PACK AND GET OUT!”
An investment banker stood at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The banker complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The fisherman replied, “Only a little while.”
The banker then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The fisherman said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.
The banker then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”
The fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siestas with my wife, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life.”
The investor scoffed, “I am an Ivy League MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, and eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats.
“The investor continued, “And instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would then sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution! You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise.”
The fisherman asked, “But how long will this all take?”
To which the banker replied, “Perhaps 15 to 20 years.”
“But what then?” asked the fisherman.
The banker laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions!”
“Millions. Okay, then what?” wondered the fisherman.
To which the investment banker replied, “Then you would retire. You could move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, and stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
- Why are diapers like $10 bills?
- Because you have to change them.
A guy wearing a singlet and slippers walked into the bank and practically shouted at the teller, “Yo woman! Who do I speak to to open a bloody bank account in this bloody bank?”
The teller politely told him to lower his voice as he was disturbing the other customers and that she would be able to open his bank account for him.
The guy was practically foaming at the mouth. “Don’t you tell me what to do! And no woman is opening my bloody account. You women are just good for cooking, cleaning and making babies. I wanna speak to a man!”
The teller got up in a huff, went to the bank manager’s office and explained the situation to him. The bank manager told her that while the customer was always right, this customer was definitely wrong. He went back with the teller to set the guy straight.
“About time a man showed up!” The guy was as loud, if not louder than before. “I just won $25 million dollars in the lottery and this bloody woman insisted that she’s capable of opening my bloody account for me.”
“She did, did she?” The bank manager was almost as loud as the guy. “She was just supposed to clean the windows and arrange the files. Don’t mind her. Let’s go to my bloody office and see what we can do about your bloody account!”
A couple of thieves broke into my holiday apartment and stole 10,000 Euros. At least they didn’t take anything of any value.
After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me,"
The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.
The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks,
"So, what do you think about that?"
The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says,
"I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"
A man commented to his lunch companion: "My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire". "You're lucky", sighed the companion. "My wife dreams that in the daytime".
The student and the professor of economics.
A student asked a professor of economics:
- What is the difference between socialism and capitalism ?
The professor answered:
- Capitalism is the exploitation of humans by humans
- And socialism ?
- It's the inverse of course.
A rather frugal man asked the bank for a loan of one dollar and was told he would have to pay nine percent interest at the end of the year. For security he offered $60,000. in U.S. bonds. The banker, foreseeing a potential depositor, accepted the bonds and gave the man a dollar. At the end of the year, he was back with a dollar and nine cents to clear up his debt and asked for the return of his bonds. Upon returning the bonds the banker asked, "I don't want to be inquisitive, but since you have all those bonds, why did you have to borrow a dollar?""Well," said the tightfisted old gent, "I really didn't have to. But do you know of any other way I could get the use of a safe-deposit box for nine cents a year?"
Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back.
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows
and only four tellers?
Schneider applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.
Two hours later, Schneider came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," Schneider replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."
"What! No E-mail?"
An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning). After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.25 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed." Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb. flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!" After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!" Moral of this story: 1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life. 2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire. 3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire. 4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.
Meaning of... 'potentially' and 'realistically'. A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?""Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a future congressman."
I'll send you some money
A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it.
Mom said: "Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uh, oh yeah, OK," responded the kid.
So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked: "Well, how much did you give the boy this time?"
Mom said: "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000"
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???"
"Don't worry hon," Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!"