Father to daughter upon her announcing her engagement: “What does he do? Does he have any money?”
Daughter: “You men are all alike. That’s the first thing he asked me about you!”

 Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

- What did the man do when he got a big gas bill?
- He exploded.

 - How can you be sure you have counterfeit money?
- If its a three-dollar bill, you can be sure.

 A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I dont, Ive been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, Ive been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

Dave has been a cheap tight-wad his whole life.
His family gathers around him as he lies on his death bed.
Dave peers up at them and asks, “Is everybody here? Where’s Bessie?”
“I’m here.” his wife says.
“The kids?”
“We’re here, Dad” they reply.
“Don’t worry Dave, everybody’s here.” Bessie reassures him.
Dave jumps up in bed and yells, “Well, if everybody’s here then why is the light on in the kitchen?!”

 - Who dropped a wad of notes with an elastic band round them?
- I did!
- Well, heres the elastic band.

 The other day, my friends and I went to a ladies' night club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over.
I was worried about the way things were going, but she licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to me!
Now everyone's attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try and top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.

 A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says "One".

The boss says "Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101, 237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold hi m a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "

 The two partners from a small law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them looked alarmed.
He announced, "I have to go back to the office right away! I forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."

 - Johnny, if you had 5$ and you asked your father for 3$ more, how many dollars would you have?
- I would have five dollars...
- You don't know your arithmetic, Johnny...
- You don't know my father, Mrs. Mutch...

 - Why do wallets make so much noise?
- Because money talks.